tuesday, january 20th, 2026
10:58 pm
my birthday was back in december. there's something comforting about getting older now that i haven't felt before. each year after eighteen keeps getting easier in slight ways. i never reach for the floor anymore to cradle myself to sleep. most of all the voice that used to talk nonstop with its dull and angry tone is little now, a mere whisper every few months. its ushering commands don't phase me anymore and the temptations of the kitchen counter and toilet seat don't move me.
i wish i could pinpoint what has changed within me over the years. maybe it's everything else that has made me more busy to not even let any of the aforementioned things cross my mind. my hands are too full now to carry anything of the past. somewhere along the way i shrugged it off my back into a bin and walked away without looking back. sometimes i do look for it though. maybe it's the people i've met that have cemented a certain love of life in me that i am now afraid to let go of anymore. maybe it's knowing that i have lived through it once and shall live through everything new forever.
when i look for it sometimes, either on a rainy day or an empty evening, it will cry out for me and my vision goes out and all i see are my hands covered in blood and shame and guilt for even listening. there are times that i wish i didn't become who i am, as if i am looking back with regret of a stiff old man in a reclining chair and tv dinner set out for him. shake the thoughts out like salt. sometimes when i drive my hand twitches to turn the other, to see what the other path would look like, to try and see all possibilities. perhaps instead of the driver i'm the fence.
not sure what i'm trying to say after all of this. but i have a newfound stability that i wanted for years, and suddenly everything from before is a distant memory that takes me a long time to truly remember them for what they really were, and not some distorted pieces of film after constant rewinding.