thursday, september 11th, 2025
9:45 pm
it's getting cold, nearly freezing in the morning then changes to the summer heat by noon. it's hard waking up when i still feel like it's summer — but the leaves are starting to change. fall always gets me in the mood to become better, as if the red of the leaves give me the energy i've been needing when they fall. a lot of things are going on but i'm finding myself with a lot of free time. balance is getting easier to manage but it needs some work.
i'm feeling a little distracted — the world's getting more distracted. there are days where i am uncertain of my place in it but there are others where i know where i am supposed to be. the see-saw of confidence. fake it til you make it has been driving me these past few months, maybe my whole life. but i believe that everyone's like that to some extent. we say words that make us look better and to back up the fact that we are always trying to be something bigger. a chase that ends up where? shooting for the moon only when it's new. eclipse your way into something that might move you.
it's been a while since i've sat down and just wrote (typed) like this. i feel like it's my only way to really feel what's going on with myself. i talk and enjoy conversation, but sometimes it doesn't feel like i'm there talking and listening. i'm behind a projector hoping the power doesn't go out. i'm the biggest star if i stand in front of the telescope. otherwise a speck.
you get quiet about some things. we don't talk about them enough. i don't want to talk about them often either. an awkward silence after one of us slips something we believe. i bite my tongue when i know it will lead to nowhere. but i wish i spoke up more. my vocal chords are weak compared to others. i need to train it like a muscle, as if it really is my god given right. there's many times where it doesn't, though.