sunday, november 9th, 2025
7:53 pm
is it worth having dreams if it looks like everything seems to be taking it away from you? there are times where i cannot tell if it is the world fighting against me or self-sabotage. one thing i do know is that this weekend, i just stared at my dream slip through my fingers away from me and i was too stunned to grasp it back.
as a kid i would always have a dream job, a dream house, a dream life. but i've noticed that as i've gotten closer to it, my definition of what my dreams are have faded. they aren't as cookie cutter ideas that are the end-all-be-all, but more concepts and mere attempts at hopes. they're the what-ifs in the late night discussions and daydreams.
i watched you succeed even when faced with similar problems. you took it better than i did. every word i said was spoken over by more confident voices. this isn't the first time, nor will it be the last. how can i stand out, speak up for myself when the times i try i get trampled on, my existence just for an observation deck. i look around as my panic sets in, notes being jotted down behind opaque glasses and a slight nod. passing comments about italy and social media when your job is supposed to be supportive. a team where half fall asleep after a few hours but you stay up until the early morning and the sun begins to rise. twenty four hours of feeling like i really am not who i am trying to be, and it's so obvious to anyone who looks my way that i am not cut out for anything. a failure times ten. i get in my head about so many things but there's even more reasons why. what can i even do when there's an hour left and i haven't accomplished half of what i wanted to do. you stepped up. they remember your face and name, while i can't get a word in the conversation.
it wasn't even your dream. you thought it was mine and gave up so much for it. you even convinced me that it really was my dream until this weekend. i can't even resent you for it — it's all my fault. back to the what ifs and why didnt i's. the jokes are getting old and i'm falling down faster. lost that dream and a lot of sleep.