saturday, may 17th, 2025
11:13 pm
i was finally able to see you again after what felt like so long. you stood on the sidewalk as i parked my car and seeing your smile made the drive worth it. in my mind i can't stop taking pictures and mental notes of everything. the red of your shirt, the wind blowing in the trees, the black cat that sleeps on the neighbors porch that you offer tuna to sometimes, the cinnamon smell in your room. most importantly the way you smell and how when i embrace you it's the only smell i could drown in like bees and pollen.
i had a rough morning before i drove. the night before stormed and i was standing in a place that two years ago had shattered the ground below me. it was a place i could not look at without my hands beginning to tremble and reach for my heart to make it quiet. two years seemed enough time and i could exist in it without the desperate urge to run that i always get when it comes back. it was good until i went back into my car alone. the rain started getting really bad and suddenly it was 9:30 pm and the lightning lit up the sky like it was day. the storm matched my mood and i wasn't able to see twenty feet in front of me and i panicked because i felt young again and everything was so raw and i was scared and confused and needed to escape. i couldn't sleep that night.
i was afraid that the numbness that came this morning would spoil my mood the rest of the day but it didn't. your arms around my back and my chin in your neck washed it away like the rain from last night. i have never felt so grateful as i did. the eye of a hurricane.
i start working on monday and i'm excited, scared, and a little aphrehensive. i love change and a mix up in routine and so i am hoping to become a sponge and absorb all i can this summer. everything is viewed in the long term now which is foreign to me but i am finally feeling like myself again. i only have you to thank and the persistance of living despite all that comes. two years.