tuesday, july 1, 2025
12:10 am
why am i unable to celebrate another's success without feeling remorse for myself? remorse for not being able to match up to anything. feeling like i'm a failure while people rise up and i'm surrounded by walls i cannot climb. i know its a selfish thought but the feeling forces a smile while i want to sink lower and lower. when will i ever be satisfied with myself and leave room for more? i've never had that and i yearn for it so much. i would have said i'd do anything for it yet i still stand here as useless as an empty notebook and no pen.
i don't know how people do it. how are you able to achieve so much and still be okay? great, even? i pour my soul into one thing and it drains it until its weak and can't take on anymore. it makes me cynical all the time from exhaustion and passionless. i just wish i had it more in me. like it's something fundamentally wrong with me that i will never be able to shake off like a flea. it instead has become a parasite on my brain and body, feeding myself thoughts of disaster while starving me of any opportunity of happiness. complacency is what i fear most but it's also the warm bed i sleep in every night.
i just wish i was better.